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A whole person with a fragmented heart

For a long time, I felt like I was a different person depending on where I was. There was the Tanzania-Cecilie, who was a Danish missionary kid that liked to spend time outdoors, loved to read and tried to do everything perfect in school in order to be an honor student. There was also the Denmark-Cecilie who loved spending time with her extended family, and who was called “the White Tanzanian”. This Cecilie loved to shop, didn’t care that much about school, was very insecure about herself and would rather spend time with family than peers. Sometimes the States-Cecilie made an appearance and reminded me of the years we spend there, but as we never went back, she wasn’t very prominent.

Whatever country I was in, usually defined which Cecilie had the lead. Sometimes the other Cecilie could make a guest appearance if the subject of conversation brought her out, but most of the time she was very far away. In fact, at times I wondered whether the “other” Cecilie and her experiences were real or just dreams that felt like memories, because she felt so distant. This was especially apparent when I, at 16, moved back to Denmark and my family stayed behind. Sitting in my room and looking at pictures on the wall of Tanzania-Cecilie and her friends, was almost confusing because she felt so far away from the Denmark-Cecilie who felt lost and who didn’t really know what her place in Denmark was going to be. Even years after the move, when Denmark had become more familiar, and when Tanzania-Cecilie was more distant, I could find myself thinking of my “Tanzanian memories” and wondering whether they actually happened.

Of course, I knew with my intellect that this was not the case, but in many ways my life-story felt fragmented and there was very little overlap between the two worlds that the majority of my life had been spend in. Obviously, the contexts were completely different; one had rain season and dry season, the other had four seasons. One had a house with mosquito-nets on the windows and banana trees in the back yard, the other had apple trees and radiators. One had malaria and stomach infections, the other had colds and flues. One had Land Rovers and school uniforms, the other had bikes and the stress of picking out outfits each morning. One had English and Swahili, the other Danish. One had an international ever-changing community and the other was made up of people that had known each other for most of their lives. On top of this, the only people in two worlds that overlapped was my family, and another missionary family that we saw once in a while. When they visited, Tanzania-Cecilie thrived.

I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Tanzania-Cecilies life had also been difficult in many aspects, and that it had been easier for Denmark-Cecilie to make friends, but I still missed the confidence and purpose that Tanzania-Cecilie had experienced. When people heard that I used to live in Tanzania, many exclaimed excitedly: “Wow, really? How exciting!” But deep down, I almost doubted that my memories were real, and it was painful to talk about aspects of my life that I desperately missed and that felt like they didn’t fit into Denmark-Cecilie.

In Aaron Antonovsky (1980) theory of resilience, “a sense of coherence” is the most important asset when faced with difficult circumstances. According to Antonovsky (1980) this “sense of coherence” comes from an experience that life is comprehensive, manageable and meaningful. In working with Third Culture Kids (TCKs) comprehensiveness could be operationalized as being prepared for transitions, being able to understand ongoing processes and being able to understand own feelings and reactions. Manageability in the lives of TCKs could involve the ability to regulate and express thoughts and feelings in safe relationships, to grieve, keep in contact and to have constructive coping strategies. Lastly meaningfulness could be strengthened through the development of a strong sense of personal narrative and a congruence of who they are across cultures. It could also be through integrating and reflecting on life experiences, Lastly the meaningfulness of the children’s life experiences could be strengthened by having a resource focused view and by letting them experience that the sharing of their own stories can help others (Antonovsky, 1980).

When I first read the theory of Antonovsky (1980) it resonated very well with the way my childhood experiences slowly went from being fragmented pieces of different Cecilies to being a whole Cecilie with different experiences. It wasn’t something that came overnight, but slowly different things helped the process along. The first step was meeting other TCKs and hearing how their stories were similar to mine, despite the fact that the factual events in their lives often were very different. I think this helped me understand my own feelings in a different way, because I could see my own reactions reflected in the other TCKs.

Another thing that helped along the way, was living in Ethiopia during one of my gap years. Getting to experience transcultural transition as an adult gave me a better understanding of this process and it allowed to simultaneously try out more constructive coping mechanisms and grieve for everything that I had lost when I left my home in Tanzania. In fact, in some ways the grief that I felt when leaving Ethiopia, melted into the grief that I had felt as a teenager, when I left my home and my identity behind. I was also able to meet up with a couple that were very important to me during my years in Tanzania. I remember feeling that I had found a piece of myself in meeting them, and that seeing them in another context than Tanzania, helped integrate a part of Tanzania-Cecilie into Denmark-Cecilie, and made my sense of self a bit more congruent than it was before.

Lastly the thing that has probably had the biggest impact on my journey of coherence has been getting to work with TCKs. I have been lucky enough to be a co-therapist in a TCK-group, where newly returned TCKs could come and share their stories, and feel heard, seen and recognized. In speaking with these children and in helping them make sense of their personal narratives, I many times felt like I was speaking to Tanzania-Cecilie and allowing her to become a part of Denmark-Cecilie. Being able to use these experiences, that have been so incredibly hard and yet so incredibly good, to help others has in many ways helped piece my own story into a more whole narrative. A narrative where there is room for all the places and people and experiences that life as a TCK brings.

In a guide that we at Center for Familieudvikling have developed to help children when they return to Denmark, it says: “Remember that who you are doesn’t depend on where you’re from. You can be a whole person even though your heart is divided over all the places on the earth that you’ve called home. You can have more than one home and more than one homeland.” Some days this is harder to believe than others, but in many ways, I am thankful to be able to say that although my heart and my story is spread in different places of the world, I still feel like all of it is my heart and my story.

 

Cecilie Malmgaard Jensen is a psychologist, a Member Care worker in Denmark, and an Adult Third Culture Kid who spend her teenage years living in Tanzania.

 

 

 

Images are from unsplash.com: 1 – Hendrik Ccornelissen, 2 – Febiyan , 3 – Sammy Wong

Re-entry in Covid time

Chaos in my head.  Chaos in my life.  Chaos in my family.  What to do?  I am in transition!

Due to the COVID crisis, me and my family needed to return to our home country earlier than planned.  But what is my home country?  

There are many questions in my head? Sometimes I am sure about a lot of things and know this is the right step to go forward, but other times nothing feels sure, I only feel left with sorrows and lots of questions.

I couldn’t say a proper goodbye to the people I loved and served for many years, due to the fact that we needed to leave suddenly.

We don’t have a house yet where we can stay for longer period of time, thus we can’t make it a home yet. Our personal things are still unpacked.

What about a job?

What about schooling for our children, and will they ever make friends again? Due to the lockdown, it is hard to meet new people anyway, to go to church or to settle in and even to catch up with old friends and family.

We are still on our own ‘island’, sometimes that feels at home, cozy and it gives us a lot of peace and rest, nobody is asking us to give any presentations of our work overseas, we are still in our own bubble and enjoying it! But other times we know we have to pick up life again to adjust to our home country or can I better say to a new country after many years away? There are a lot of mixed feelings and doubts.

Even the question was raised: ‘Where is God in the midst of it?’ Sometimes I just don’t know where He is? How can this happen so suddenly anyway? Yes, we had planned to return, but not in this way. We wanted to prepare our goodbyes properly and we wanted to plan our return very well, but nothing has happened as we had hoped and planned.

These are just some of the feelings of missionaries that I often hear, as they are in the midst of a re-entry.  Re-entry is a chaotic period in life of missionaries, but it makes it even more chaotic because of the COVID crisis.

While I was writing this, I was thinking of the story of Daniel and his friends in the Bible while they were in exile.  They were completely uprooted, snatched away from everything they knew.  They didn’t have a home anymore.  They had been taken away from everything they knew to a complete strange Babylonian Empire, now called Iraq.  A new culture, new surroundings, new gods, new people, everything they knew was gone.  Even their names were changed, they got new names related to new gods, which they didn’t know.  Where is the God of Israel?

They were displaced.  Their lives were shaken because all familiarity was thrown away.  A comparison can be made with lots of missionaries today when they return from the field so suddenly.  Questions are raised: Where is God?  What about our ministry?  We had a strong vision, but now it is gone?

Transition in COVID time makes it even more difficult because you cannot connect to people in your new neighborhood, you don’t know how to find a job and how to connect to your church or join a new church.

Back to Daniel.  If we read through Daniel, we see that in the midst of the chaos, God is with Daniel and his friends.  He is not alone.  God gave people on his path; you can read this in Daniel 1 verse 9: ‘now God had caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel’.  This is very special to read, because God gave a person to Daniel who was not a believer, but he showed compassion to Daniel.  Do we see the people who God gives to us on our path?  Do we look for them?  God gave Daniel and his friends also a mission in Daniel 1 verse 17: ‘To these four young men God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning.  And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.’

When I came back from the mission field to the Netherlands many years ago, I thought I did not have a mission anymore, it is all over and it is all gone.  The story of Daniel encouraged me a lot that my mission is not related to a special place, but it is related to wherever I go.  God is with me and I can still serve Him.  Wherever you are, sitting on your old-fashioned sofa in your temporary house, your mission isn’t gone.  Yes, your mission has to adjust to a different place and to different surroundings with different people, but it is still your mission.  God is still there, as he was with Daniel and his friends, He is also there with you and your family.

Re-entry means you are in transition, you are uprooted, all that is familiar and what you found so normal is no longer there.  You thought you knew everything.  You thought you still knew everything in your own home country, but had to discover it is not there anymore.  You thought you knew God.  You thought you had a mission, now it seems it is all gone.  God shows us through the story of Daniel that it is not about God being yours, but that is about you being His child.  God says: ‘You are mine!’  He is faithful.  He is there and you can still follow His mission wherever you are. He will be with you.

It is very normal that re-entry brings many mixed feelings.  Re-entry is a process of chaos in your head, a process of adjusting, and that is not always easy.  We often want to do it quickly, because we want to move on.  However, it is important to spend time dealing with your re-entry process.  If you’ve been away for 5 years, the figurative distance is actually 10 years. You went one way for 5 years, but people in your home country went the other way for 5 years.  It is very normal to experience chaos in your life!  It is very normal that it seems you are living in a blur.  It is very normal that you are feeling you live in two worlds.  We didn’t even talk about the effects of social media, that turns the world into one big village.  Some people might not even know where they are physically.

Take your time for this re-entry process.  Allow yourself this time!  Talk about it with people who understand or with people who have gone through these kinds of experiences themselves.  Re-entry is a huge change; it is saying goodbye to things and people you have lived with for many years.  Re-entry is a process of starting over.  Re-entry is also a grieving process and that takes time.  Take your time and don’t feel guilty about it.  That’s the beautiful thing of the COVID crisis, due to the quarantine and the lock-down you are forced or maybe better, you are allowed to get some more time to adjust to your home (new) country.  Make use of that time!

 

Margriet Muurling is the initiator of InToMission, an organization that provides professional member care, coaching and debriefing for missionaries.  Find out more about InToMission on their website or email info@intomission.nl  

This article is published with permission.

 

“I have learned I am not alone”

It could have been one of my own sentences, but this is a quote from a TCK who participated in one of our TCK groups as part of a two-year pilot project with 54 TCKs.

Returning to the passport country as a TCK is often a time of tough transition. Having met too many TCKs in a period of struggle, we decided to develop a group intervention based on three main theoretical principles:

  • Being part of a group with an atmosphere of the third culture, acceptance, and understanding can prevent children from failure to thrive.
  • Resilience can be built by helping children to comprehend the whole situation and giving them the capacity to use the resources available, as a sense of coherence in their life. Building on the work of Antonovsky, this capacity is a combination of the children’s ability to assess and understand the situation they are in, to find a meaning to move in a health promoting direction, and also having the capacity to do so—that is, comprehensibility, meaningfulness, and manageability, to use Antonovsky’s own terms.
  • Dealing with unresolved grief, the many goodbyes, and hidden grief as a dual-process, namely by oscillating between loss- and restoration-oriented griefwork, is helpful for the child in the first year of re-entry. It helps the child to adaptive coping to deal with both confrontation and avoidance of loss and restoration and to dose the grieving process. And it helps both the child and the parents by giving them words for the process and a way of speaking of and dealing with difficult emotions.

On these theoretical principles we made up a fictional TCK planet and together with the children we made up countries like family-land, missing-land, new friends-land, culture-land, goodbye-land etc. Each session we travelled together 2 adults and 8 TCKS to a specific land, and during the sessions we visited hidden emotions, played games that included mentalization and coping strategies, and – most important of all – the children travelled together, and learned they are not alone!

This very day we finished a research paper concluding on the results of the project (unfortunately in Danish). The results are very hopeful. It is effective and worth working with the children in a group setting, giving them hope, connecting TCKs, and giving them a secure base of a Third Culture while they are processing their re-entry. The quantitative and qualitative results are rather clear. Even though the problems and challenges did not disappear, the children began to thrive as if or maybe because they learned a new way of dealing with the problems, building up resilience, and finding a new way of dealing with or a language for speaking of grief and loss.

As early as after the first meeting with the TCK-group, he quieted down as if something finally was starting to fall into place. What made a difference, I think, was meeting other children with the exact same thoughts and experiences he has had who understood where he was or what he has been through.

(a parent)

TCK groups are now a free intervention for all families returning to Denmark, and I strongly recommend you wherever in the world you are located to begin the work of TCK re-entry groups, because it matters for the TCKs, their families – and it is one of the most meaningful engagements to be part of.

In the end of the project, some of the children together with some of the project members produced a re-entry plan for schools, churches, parents, and for the children. The children’s part is translated into English – and attached here. Feel free to use the material.

 

This month’s blogger is Maria Techow, a psychologist and Member Care worker in Denmark, who regularly does presentations at the European Member Care Consultation.

 

Answering THE QUESTION!

RomaniaOh, how I dread the question! I literally would prefer to do anything else than answer THE QUESTION! And by “anything else”, I mean I would even rather fill out ministry reports to churches and sending agencies! Yes, that is how much I still dread THE QUESTION.  Everyone knows THE QUESTION:  when a friend or supporter passes you by and asks,   “Mihai, how is life in [insert country of service here] Romania?”

It really is a simple question.  No harm is intended, no ill intention.  It’s almost like someone asking “how are you?” in the store check-out lane.  Still, many missionaries would rather face the fire again than ever answer it.  Why? Because they have absolutely no idea how to answer it.  “Wonderful!”  “Incredible!”  “Challenging!”  “Life-changing!”  How does a missionary even begin to formulate an answer?

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